I'm trying to get my head there. It isn't easy. The truth - with one exception the idea of being intimate with a man makes me nauseous. Literally. I don't understand that. I'm thinking maybe I'll try going back to the shrink. But the fact is they aren't miracle workers. The patient has to be willing to make changes and I'm not good at that.
But if I don't do something soon I'm gonna die practically a virgin. At this point I almost feel like one. I mean, I really should take the new boobs for a ride after they heal all the way up. I'm very slloowwly losing weight, like a pound or two a month. So I'm headed in the right direction on that score.
I wish I could talk to Perlman himself. A gentle brush off would probably help the process along. Maybe. But maybe even that wouldn't cure me. I have a feeling no one can help me with this but me.
And I'm at a dead end. I feel like I've tried absolutely everything and nothing has worked. I'm thinking maybe another man is the only thing that might shake me loose. But I was married when I first saw him, that didn't stop me at all. I'm almost at the point where I feel like I should just give up and give in. Know that I am never going to have anyone in my life.
Or not. I don't like the idea of quitting without a proper fight. What would Perlman say?
What he always says probably, "Don't give up on yourself." In the past he's looked at me like he felt sorry for me, I like to think he would root for me if he knew, that he would say I should shake this off and go out and find a way to be happy. In that odd way I do feel encouraged.
why aren't there more men like him? Why do the icky kind grow on trees and men like him are few and far between?
Well, there are worse things than wanting someone you can't have. There's not wanting anyone ever, I think that would have been terrible. Or maybe I wouldn't miss what I never had.
I'm giving myself a headache.
Thanks for putting up with me, ladies.